I AM WALKING ON...TO THAT EDEN...
**A very long post, am Sorry..typing out to release some sadness..
Today somebody asked me, "Shams, have u ever felt the pain of losing someone? do u know how it is, when one fine day, u wake up and u realise that,that person is no longer?i have been with u all these years, but i dunno if u have felt that pain, if u have been through such an expereince..i wish i could forget everything in my life..i wish i could be happy and laugh around, like how u do!!"
And i replied "No dear..i have never felt that pain...may be that is y , i seem like a happy girl to you"
Why did i lie to him? why couldnt i say him the truth? may be truth hurts more than lies..is that why? its funny to see the games that God plays! its totally funny that he had to ask me such a question today..
Jan 19,2004
I called her up and said "You know, on 21st is my C++ University Practical Examinations..You know am a Big Zero in computers..and i just dont study anything that i hate, u know right? At times i hate this stubborn nature of my mind, that i would only do things that i can enjoy!i wish i could start loving the things i dislike too,so that i can reduce tension and confusion in my life!! And so please go to the temple tomorrow, and do some prayer for me..i dont want to taste a failure!would you do it for me? I believe God exists everywhere..and He hears the prayers of a Blessed Soul, i believe!
She replied, "Oh yes, Dear don't worry, I always pray for u right?i will surely go to the temple tomorrow morning..meanwhile you don't forget to do ur part too, do try learning it, you can do it, i know you can! use a little bit of your intelligence, it would turn out alright once you get to know the logic behind the programs, believe me!Now off you go to sleep" Wasnt I relieved? at times, encouragement is all that you need to clear up the helplessness and confusion in your mind..but even then, we are lazy and selfish to spill a few words from our holy mouth to people who need it..
Jan 20
The day had started beautifully! Exams are the only times when i get up very early in the morning..cos i knew i would flunk if i hadnt..haha..i did think about her for a long time..she was a blessing in my life..i feel at ease when my room is neat and clean, when its bright and airy..then all that i study gets into my head automatically..she taught me that fact..i drew up the curtains, prayed for a moment and started off and yes, i was able to make head and tail out of all those weird programs..its true, put ur heart and soul into things that u dislike, very soon, it would also become a thing that u love..may be she had prayed alot for me yesterday night! i love her! she is indeed a Blessing to me..Its high time i go off to visit her!its high time!
When a fire rages within U...when the waves strike so hard and rip u apart...when the harsh wind blows furiously onto ur face...when the storm inside kills u from within..when the drops f rain soothes ur mind...when the agony of life seems too much to bear..and even when the fragrance of flowers lingers on with u..and the chirping of birds leaves a trail of love in ur heart...when the joy of fulfilling dreams envelops u..a few Candles Always stay upright...Burning...giving u its love and light...and one among those candles in my life was Her..
It was unexpected that i get a call from her house in the afternoon, cos she had told me that she would be going for a wedding today..when i got the call, i picked up gleefully to realise it was someone else,
"Is this shameela?"
"Yeah, its me..where is she..and who is this?I am sorry i didnt get you"
"Oh thats ookie..would you do something?i know its late, but can u catch the next train and come up here soon..she wants to see you"
"she wants to see me?now?why? hmm..she knows i got an exam tomorrow right?doesnt she?if i miss the exam, i would lag a semester..would u tell her that i would reach there tomorrow evening"
what had gotten to me?why wasnt i not asking why she wasnt attending the call?
"i think it would be better if u come up here..its URGENT..dont ask me anymore questions!i expect you to come"
He hung up the call..
God..what was happening?....is something wrong? tell me Oh Godddddd....whom would i call up and ask?..i dunoo..God...My semester and exam meant nothing to me then...i took permission from my hostel warden and off i went alone to meet her...There are instances, when u feel that the train is the slowest of man's creations..why was it taking too long to reach my destination? she had taught me once, that Life travels with the speed of light at times, and also crawls like a centipede, at times..how right she was! it was merely a 3 hour journey from Trivandrum..but today, it looks as if i have been in this compartment for a day or more..all alone..caught up in my own thoughts...
And finally i reached her home..the first thing i noticed was the new roses that had bloomed in her garden..she had told me about it a few days back..her garden looked so pretty, but didnt i notice an agony, a pain of separation in their eyes too? why did the flowers look so gloomy?
And only then i noticed..there were many people over thre...oh may be today is a special day for her..may be thats why she wanted me to come to visit her even in the midst of the exam..but..but..was there something wrong?..why was everyone looking with sadness at me? why wasnt anyone talking to me?she had told me that everyone there knew me through her..and they would welcome me if dropped in a visit, anytime, anyday..but...nobody welcomed me..instead their eyes were swollen up...after crying...what could have happened?..i wish somebody talked to me..something.... It is funny that when you most need it, your tongue refuses to function..
Slowly..slowly...i walked up the steps of that old ancestral home..it was everything like she had described to me..but where was she?..my eyes searched for her everywhere..but..but..everyone looked so unfamiliar to me..i didnt know anyone over thre..why were they playing such a cruel game to me? i wondered..
and then...somebody held my hand and took me over to a room..and..and..she lay there...wrapped in white clothes..what was happening?..what had happened....i couldnt get words out of my mouth..i felt as if i didnt exist..as if..i didnt see anything..as if i was invisible..as if this was a nightmare..as if she was aplying with me..as if God was playing with me..as if...as if...i dunno how to explain to you how i felt then..i dunno..i really dunno...
Why God? why? why her? God takes away certain souls early because He wants the Blessed always under His care and protection..Is that why God? But..what about her? now...whom would i talk to? whom would i...whom would i...this couldnt be true...this had to be out of a movie..or out of a nightmare..or out of my imagination....but...was it..or wasnt it?..I wish my tears rolled down my cheeks..i wish my heart gave vent to the pain inside..i wish i was acting like a human..i wish i got over this numbness..i wish i could talk to her..for once...i wish..
Slowly..it sank in..the fact that i was actually at her home..i had come to attend a funeral...why..but..why..i dont know...slowly away from the crowd i went to her kitchen...her domain..the place where she had cooked all the lovely food..over the refrigerator..i saw a "prasaadham" ...she had gone to the temple early in the morning itself...she had..she had done everything for me...God..this could not be true...How can it be?
I walked to the field...saw the paddy and the grains..the mangoes...and the vegetables..and her garden..and the jasmine flowers..and the cattle and the hens..and her love..her light..i saw her everywhere...i saw her everywhere....but, i couldnt see her anywhere...what is this called??
Who was she to me?... a mother ?...a sister?..a friend?..a teacher?.. a role model?..an adviser?..a companion?..a listener? who was she to me...i dunno...but i do know..over the distances Heart is where i had kept her
Slowly..the birds had stopped their chirping...the flowers wondered as to whether they should bloom...the leaves fell...the paddy field turned brown..the jasmine dried up...and i walked on...today i add yet another year to that fateful day....unable to believe and accept the turn of events...i am walking on...to Eden, where she would be peacefully living now...
And i replied "No dear..i have never felt that pain...may be that is y , i seem like a happy girl to you"
Why did i lie to him? why couldnt i say him the truth? may be truth hurts more than lies..is that why? its funny to see the games that God plays! its totally funny that he had to ask me such a question today..
Jan 19,2004
I called her up and said "You know, on 21st is my C++ University Practical Examinations..You know am a Big Zero in computers..and i just dont study anything that i hate, u know right? At times i hate this stubborn nature of my mind, that i would only do things that i can enjoy!i wish i could start loving the things i dislike too,so that i can reduce tension and confusion in my life!! And so please go to the temple tomorrow, and do some prayer for me..i dont want to taste a failure!would you do it for me? I believe God exists everywhere..and He hears the prayers of a Blessed Soul, i believe!
She replied, "Oh yes, Dear don't worry, I always pray for u right?i will surely go to the temple tomorrow morning..meanwhile you don't forget to do ur part too, do try learning it, you can do it, i know you can! use a little bit of your intelligence, it would turn out alright once you get to know the logic behind the programs, believe me!Now off you go to sleep" Wasnt I relieved? at times, encouragement is all that you need to clear up the helplessness and confusion in your mind..but even then, we are lazy and selfish to spill a few words from our holy mouth to people who need it..
Jan 20
The day had started beautifully! Exams are the only times when i get up very early in the morning..cos i knew i would flunk if i hadnt..haha..i did think about her for a long time..she was a blessing in my life..i feel at ease when my room is neat and clean, when its bright and airy..then all that i study gets into my head automatically..she taught me that fact..i drew up the curtains, prayed for a moment and started off and yes, i was able to make head and tail out of all those weird programs..its true, put ur heart and soul into things that u dislike, very soon, it would also become a thing that u love..may be she had prayed alot for me yesterday night! i love her! she is indeed a Blessing to me..Its high time i go off to visit her!its high time!
When a fire rages within U...when the waves strike so hard and rip u apart...when the harsh wind blows furiously onto ur face...when the storm inside kills u from within..when the drops f rain soothes ur mind...when the agony of life seems too much to bear..and even when the fragrance of flowers lingers on with u..and the chirping of birds leaves a trail of love in ur heart...when the joy of fulfilling dreams envelops u..a few Candles Always stay upright...Burning...giving u its love and light...and one among those candles in my life was Her..
It was unexpected that i get a call from her house in the afternoon, cos she had told me that she would be going for a wedding today..when i got the call, i picked up gleefully to realise it was someone else,
"Is this shameela?"
"Yeah, its me..where is she..and who is this?I am sorry i didnt get you"
"Oh thats ookie..would you do something?i know its late, but can u catch the next train and come up here soon..she wants to see you"
"she wants to see me?now?why? hmm..she knows i got an exam tomorrow right?doesnt she?if i miss the exam, i would lag a semester..would u tell her that i would reach there tomorrow evening"
what had gotten to me?why wasnt i not asking why she wasnt attending the call?
"i think it would be better if u come up here..its URGENT..dont ask me anymore questions!i expect you to come"
He hung up the call..
God..what was happening?....is something wrong? tell me Oh Godddddd....whom would i call up and ask?..i dunoo..God...My semester and exam meant nothing to me then...i took permission from my hostel warden and off i went alone to meet her...There are instances, when u feel that the train is the slowest of man's creations..why was it taking too long to reach my destination? she had taught me once, that Life travels with the speed of light at times, and also crawls like a centipede, at times..how right she was! it was merely a 3 hour journey from Trivandrum..but today, it looks as if i have been in this compartment for a day or more..all alone..caught up in my own thoughts...
And finally i reached her home..the first thing i noticed was the new roses that had bloomed in her garden..she had told me about it a few days back..her garden looked so pretty, but didnt i notice an agony, a pain of separation in their eyes too? why did the flowers look so gloomy?
And only then i noticed..there were many people over thre...oh may be today is a special day for her..may be thats why she wanted me to come to visit her even in the midst of the exam..but..but..was there something wrong?..why was everyone looking with sadness at me? why wasnt anyone talking to me?she had told me that everyone there knew me through her..and they would welcome me if dropped in a visit, anytime, anyday..but...nobody welcomed me..instead their eyes were swollen up...after crying...what could have happened?..i wish somebody talked to me..something.... It is funny that when you most need it, your tongue refuses to function..
Slowly..slowly...i walked up the steps of that old ancestral home..it was everything like she had described to me..but where was she?..my eyes searched for her everywhere..but..but..everyone looked so unfamiliar to me..i didnt know anyone over thre..why were they playing such a cruel game to me? i wondered..
and then...somebody held my hand and took me over to a room..and..and..she lay there...wrapped in white clothes..what was happening?..what had happened....i couldnt get words out of my mouth..i felt as if i didnt exist..as if..i didnt see anything..as if i was invisible..as if this was a nightmare..as if she was aplying with me..as if God was playing with me..as if...as if...i dunno how to explain to you how i felt then..i dunno..i really dunno...
Why God? why? why her? God takes away certain souls early because He wants the Blessed always under His care and protection..Is that why God? But..what about her? now...whom would i talk to? whom would i...whom would i...this couldnt be true...this had to be out of a movie..or out of a nightmare..or out of my imagination....but...was it..or wasnt it?..I wish my tears rolled down my cheeks..i wish my heart gave vent to the pain inside..i wish i was acting like a human..i wish i got over this numbness..i wish i could talk to her..for once...i wish..
Slowly..it sank in..the fact that i was actually at her home..i had come to attend a funeral...why..but..why..i dont know...slowly away from the crowd i went to her kitchen...her domain..the place where she had cooked all the lovely food..over the refrigerator..i saw a "prasaadham" ...she had gone to the temple early in the morning itself...she had..she had done everything for me...God..this could not be true...How can it be?
I walked to the field...saw the paddy and the grains..the mangoes...and the vegetables..and her garden..and the jasmine flowers..and the cattle and the hens..and her love..her light..i saw her everywhere...i saw her everywhere....but, i couldnt see her anywhere...what is this called??
Who was she to me?... a mother ?...a sister?..a friend?..a teacher?.. a role model?..an adviser?..a companion?..a listener? who was she to me...i dunno...but i do know..over the distances Heart is where i had kept her
Slowly..the birds had stopped their chirping...the flowers wondered as to whether they should bloom...the leaves fell...the paddy field turned brown..the jasmine dried up...and i walked on...today i add yet another year to that fateful day....unable to believe and accept the turn of events...i am walking on...to Eden, where she would be peacefully living now...
**i did attend my lab exam...i think it was her hands that made me pick up the question booklet with the easiest question, "write a program to find out the greatest of the three numbers"..its true...prayers of pure souls are never left unanswered..and God gives them pain, to increase their humility and purity of their hearts...and God takes them away soon, so that they can always smile on those who need their comfort, in His presence..
12 comments:
i cried....
I dont know what more to write...just lost words...
There is so much of life in evry word you write...
shams i dnt know wat to say.. i hav no wrds to comfort u and i dnt think i need to caus wat u wrote itself conveys evrything..she seems a blessed soul from the way u hav described her here..so i m sure she is happy in the place where she is nd she is happy to see that she stil exists in ur heart nd nw has been brought alive thru this blog of urs to be known by many more who wil not hav the fortune to see her or experience her love though.but then i gues the love u got from her will live on through u to b experienced by many others.May God bless her soul and may he giv u the strength that she was for u..!
tc buddy!
I too had tears...
When we lose someone we love so much, our hearts feel such a loss...
I lost one of my dearest and sweetest friends last June...
She was an angel in my life.
My life is not the same without her!
I think about Mary every day, and still have many tears about her being gone!
I do now just how you felt and feel!
* And God takes them away soon,so that they can always smile on those who need their confort, in His presence.*
She is smiling down on you!
And we will never forget them!
I feel your sadness,,,
and also the joy of knowing her!
May God always give you comfort!
Take care, dear heart!
Margie
thank u all for ur words...
im sorry for the pain.
i guess i can just say this -
dont regret losing someone , the tears will remain... instead rejoice that you were blessed to know them. let a smile come with that memory.
I know, I know... easier said than done...
Thank u Roshan for ur words...u r right too, i can console myself by thinking that way...yet..while consoling with that thought itself...i mis her..somewhere...
Oye!!! U killd her??!..:( :( ...U knw wat..many a times i've been the same way!..:( ...I've this habbit of telling my friends to go pray for me @ the temple..Evn i've done the same for quite a few times!..I still remember i once went to ganapathi kovil at pazhavangadi for a 'thenga odakkal'.and my friend..she gt thru one of the medical ntrances and gt d lettr to join!.she was actualy in one of thos waiting lists after d xams!.Felt happy for her ..really.......i get xtremly tensd durin the xams!..
She'll b blessd in abundance re!!..its always like tht..Keep bloggin ..ur gng g8!!
yeah...i believe in prayers..anybody, any religion, if prayed with the purest soul and intention God rewards it!! i have experienced it myself..when i tell my mom to pray for me, i feel half the work is done..and most of the time,it has worked..its her soul....
Thank u..
Time. That is as close to a miracle healer as we get in this life. And even that doesnt work always. In time, the pain will reduce... you may still wince occasionally at a sight which brings back memories.. but you will learn to accept the hand fate has dealt.. as the prayer goes
"Give me the strength to change the things i can, the courage to accept the things i can't.. and the wisdom to know the difference."
yesss...time is a healer..yet 4 years,, and every 20th of every month, i whine! its pretty sad my bday falls on feb 20!and its even more sad i lost someone else on feb 26.......and another great friend in may, and a loving junior in sept......so many people............i keep everyone i meet so close to me, that truth hurts..still hurts....and so,time..am clinging on time and work and thoughts too, with prayers......thank U for sharing those words, and for ur time....
i dont know what to say..all i can say is that im sure that she's in a better place..and shes watching over u..as a mother,a friend ,an advisor and a confidante...
and time does heal the pain..and the fact that u know that shes better off where she is will definitly bring a smile on ur face even when u miss her the most...
Thanks Lemon, u r right...time can heal...and that thought like how Roshan and u said, can definitely a bring smile on my face! Thank u Lemon for ur words!
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